went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today