“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?