If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
#oldknees
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes