911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm