me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
(by @ZachWeiner )
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Body by sandwich.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.