I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.