Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.