Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
You Might Also Like
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
When libraries troll their patrons.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning