My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it