*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
God, I love Scotland
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights