Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
WTF
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out