[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When someone trying to leave me
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.