so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
how high up are we talkin’?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.