I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
What the hell happened here.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process