Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school