We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The photographer’s assistant
mathematically impossible
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Support your local cemetery
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.