Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
You Might Also Like
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.