tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday