my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
constantly working on myself.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous