I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.