Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
You Might Also Like
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*