Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death