I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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How to woo a woman
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Pat is about to own someone
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Terribly Tuesday.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Blew out my flip flop…
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand