Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Smooooooth
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.