When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
You Might Also Like
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?