Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Going to church you guys need anything
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that