You Might Also Like
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
We avoided this particular disaster
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.