Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic