Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
School be like
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY