Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You Might Also Like
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[shakes fist at other fist]
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.