At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.