My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning