New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Breaking news:
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
This took me a second..
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again