Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER