“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.