While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.