kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Jurassic park gets weird
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler