If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*seductively eats two tums*
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?