I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?