Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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Just as the prophecy foretold
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Mountain Goat : )
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*