Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Any refunds available?…
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up