My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.