kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.