the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
At least try to make it slightly believable
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.