Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Does this dress make me look cat?
my first dose meeting my second
set yourself free xox
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.