Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.