Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
They also CAN sing✌️