A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
You Might Also Like
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m putting together a team
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!