I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize