Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.