Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.